I'm a Winner...

Henson Ray of Henson's Hell held a contest and I was one of the three lucky winners. Woo Hoo! If you enjoy top quality kitty videos you will love his videos. You will fall in love with the characters. Here's Henson's notifying post:

I am please to announce the three lucky winners for my latest contest. They will each receive a Wizardofwit t-shirt and a copy of the "Cat Clips DVD, Volume One." If you are one of the winners listed below, please send me your mailing address via feedback@wizardofwit.com

Winners:

Daisy of Daisy the Curly Cat

Grace of Broadway Matron

Sandee of funny comedys

Thanks to everyone who participated. I'm sure there will be another contest coming up in the near future, so don't be discouraged if you didn't win this time. I like to spread the love around.

Financial Planning 101

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Hat tip: Nick M.

How to Sell Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Mary" said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poo!"

Then I would say,"It is dog poo. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh*tty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

How to be Cruel to Old Guys

AARP Eye Chart Hat tip: Georgia L.

Saturday Musings

There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

You mean the world to someone.

You are special and unique.

Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look.

Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

More Bad Predictions

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"It will be years -- not in my time -- before a woman will become Prime Minister." -- Margaret Thatcher, 1974.

"I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone." -- Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.

A Cows Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that.'

Hat tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

Intergalactic Travels

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Irritated at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he re-focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

Need A Smile? Part Two

Hat tip: Colleen of Short Stories in the Making

The Comment Game

It's time to play the comment game again. We are on the boat, but most of you already know that.



Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.



First comment: Boat or Recreational Vehicle?

Silly Sunday #39

Are you funny? If so, please join in at Silly Sunday, co-hosted by Rhonda of Kibitz Spot and Laugh Quotes and Sandee of funny comedys. Rhonda is on a big adventure traveling the world until December 2, 2012. For more information about Silly Sunday click HERE.

The rules are simple:

• Post anything funny or silly on your blog.
• Add your link on the Silly Sunday linky below.
• If you want more laughs – read some of the other Silly Sunday posts.

Silly Sunday is your chance to share a favorite joke, silly picture, funny quote, amusing anecdote, creative comic or anything which made you smile today – and get a bit more traffic to your blog.

Bad Predictions

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." -- Sir William Henry Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." -- Lee De Forest, inventor.
Silly Sunday Participants

1. bethere2day 2. Woodsterman 3. Laugh Quotes 4. Kibitz Spot 5. funny comedys 6. Lauren 7. Catch My Words ♥

8. Bearman 9. Ann 10. Barb 11. Marg 12. Empress Bee 13. Stephen Hayes 14. Jean(ie)

15. Ivanhoe 16. Ron Russell 17. Crack You Whip 18. Judy 19. Rocks 20. Jim

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The Mysterious Bartender

The new bartender was tall and handsome, but there was something very mysterious about him too. Many times I saw him watching her out of the corner of his eye as she bent over the fire. "What are you doing?" he asked.

She appeared out of sorts. "My boyfriend left me and I'm debating jumping in the fire."

The bartender sighed, "It's a fake fireplace, Miss."

"Oh," she said with a face so pitiful.

"Come with me" said the bartender with a warm smile, "I'll buy you a drink."

"Make it a large one," she said.

"No problem," he said, "I can make it as large as you like."

She smiled to him sweetly and felt relieved somehow. When he handed her the drink she was surprised with what he gave. It's a cupcake! She hadn't had a cupcake since her seventh birthday party. She remembered that party well because that was the year grandma had taken the "pin the tail on the donkey" game too literal and brought a LIVE donkey to the party.

But something else reminded her of that day. It was a faint scent of vanilla. When she was younger, her mother used to let her lick the beaters when they made vanilla cupcakes. And then they used to place a paper doily over the top and sprinkle icing sugar over the light brown surface of the cupcakes. Maybe she would make some for old-times-sake this weekend. But then she remembered her boyfriend, or her not-boyfriend, and a tear finally made its way down her cheek. We had vanilla scented candles in the house all the time. Sometimes she even put some vanilla into her bath because it helped with her acne, at least it helped with some skin imperfections.

Now what to do she thought as she stepped out of the bath and smeared icing on her face, while enjoying the icing licked off by her chihuahua Sparky. Sparky loved cake icing and pickles, but hated her acne.

She wept, but then she realized that the bartender was silently staring at her as if he wanted to tell her something. When suddenly the door was jerked open and in walked her boyfriend who looked at her, the bartender and the cupcake and fell to his knees. Luckily, the bartender was actually there trying to get her mind off her troubles. He mumbled something as the boyfriend approached. The boyfriend said, "Hey, do you know where my basketball jersey is? I left it at your house two weeks ago."

The girl looked to him, then said, "Basket ball jersey? I haven't the foggiest. Furthermore, I could care freaking less. Perhaps you used it lieu of TOP. Who knows? I don't maybe you need to contact someone who gives a damn. Now, is that all you came here for or do you just enjoy cupcakes." As he thought about his answer little Sparky started to licking cupcake icing?

Her boyfriend looked down at his jeans and realized the cupcake paper was stuck to his knee. And Sparky her chihuahua was licking what remained of the mashed cupcake off of the denim and before he could pull his leg away, Sparky peed on his leg.

The Sheriff of the village was walking in as Sparky peed. I'll put him out of our misery. First I'll finish off that last cupcake if no one else wants it. I just love 'em. When I was a boy my momma would always let me have a cupcake after I let our dog Fido pee. Of course, that meant walking him in three feet of snow and having to clear a spot in the snow for him to pee.

And the room came to a dead silence for there was a loud noise that came from the direction of the bar. "Damn it," the bartender hollered just after the crashing noise. Everyone looked over at the bar. The bartender was covered in icing and smelled of Cointreau. "This is the third time this month that someone switched the blender top with the tip jar," he said in a very annoyed manner. The tip jar and blender top look almost identical an it does fit on the blender, but when you start the blender the contents explode right out because the lid doesn't fit properly.

The sheriff and everyone else started laughing at the sight of the bartender covered in white-orange smelly icing. "Well Cupcake," the sheriff said (referring to the bartender). "How about a very dry Martini -- Stirred not shaken!"

"Cupcake? That one better not stick," the bartender said even more annoyed.

"Too late," said the Sheriff. "Looks like you're stuck with it, literally."

Reaching for the gin and vermouth to fill the sheriff's martini order, Cupcake happened to accidentally shoot the dog. Instead of blood, strawberry jelly came out of Sparky and a huge bubble gum hanged on the gun. The bartender fainted.

But we all know bartenders never faint because they have seen everything possible. Cupcake actually slipped on the spilled icing which resulted in the Sheriff's martini being shaken instead of stirred. So it was back to the drawing board, and remix the martini. Cupcake thought to himself, "What kind of place is this. I'm new here and we have had a bake off, exploding blenders, drunken Sheriffs, and jelly-filled mutts and there's still two hours before Happy Hour starts. Well, if you can't beat em ..."

Cupcake reached for a big brown bottle of Kahlua and a bottle of Stoli. The perfect ingredients for a Black Russian. He knew that a tall one would put him in the proper mood to clean up the bar, go after the girl, teach the not-so-much-boyfriend a lesson, and get Sparky a bath. Of course, there was just one problem - who would look after the bar. Surely he couldn't ask Sparky to watch the bar.

Sparky pointed out the a black Russian with Smirnoff or Ketel One beats Stoli hands down. He called the owner. Sparky said, "The bartender left for a threesome and I got shot. Who should take over?" The owner answered, "Whoa, whoa, slow down, let me get this straight." Oh forget it there's no way to get this story straight, someone get me a drink??? Please. The owner answered, "Bud Weiser should take over with a round of Smirnoff for all so that when Sandee gets back from the boat party we'll all be intoxicated and have an excuse for not keeping this story on track."

After Sparky went off to the vet. The bartender and the woman returned. "I'm back! Who drank all the Smirnoff? And the Godiva is gone, too." The old man in whiskers smiled. He said, "That Pencil Skirt woman took the Godiva and ran but I have something even better." It was a fresh fruit salad. The old man said to the bartender, "You are supposed to be mysterious. Sandee said so. The only thing mysterious, is what happened when you left with the idiot woman, who thought that was a real fireplace, and her boyfriend go off to?"

The bartender smirked and said, "You will not believe it! We met at the Blogger Cafe and had a great meal while we laughed at all the great comments on Sandee's blog."

The old man, confused, asked, "Sandee? Now just who is this Sandee?", to which the bartender replied, "Last call is over, everybody. We serve booze not breakfast so knock 'em back." The tall, dark, handsome, and mysterious bartender, now known as Cupcake, turned away to rinse out his shot glass and other utensils. As he did this, a glowing aura seemed to surround him. Everyone in the room noticed the aura and watched in awe as the bartender seemed to transform right before their eyes.

The Bartender laughed a wicked laugh as he continued to transform and said, "I'm really Foxxfyrre the Meme Thief Of Bloggingham. I have escaped the perils of the dungeon. No ones memes are safe any more Bwahahahah!" The patrons watched as Foxxfyrre fled from behind the bar and disappeared in plain sight. And they trembled, for they knew that their treasured memes were safe no longer nor were their cupcakes! And they were now out of Smirnoff, Godiva and fruit salads. Luckily, Empress Bee makes a mean Peanut Butter Frosting Cake! She promised she would bring them over as soon as all the lurkers commented on her blog.

Just then the emergency exit door opened revealing only a pair of red spiked heals and part of Mimi's leg. The Pencil Skirt had returned with The End. Or was it just the beginning? No one knows for sure except for Sandee, as she is the Story Game Madame.

The pencil skirt lady, who was known as the Queen of Meme's and also the holder of the dungeon key, was looking high and low for Foxxfyrre, for he had crossed the line. She had allowed him to evade all of the meme's in the blogosphere, but, now he had gone too far, and besides that, she had enjoyed the time Budweiser had shown her when he was temporarily tending bar.

All of a sudden there was the fresh scent of Vanilla, so fragrant that it filled everyone's senses, and also had a kick to it, leaving everyone in a foggy, stoned like state. Music was playing and so everyone started dancing or swaying, having a great time, not knowing exactly why, and then the back door to bar opened and in walked a man called Speedy. Speedy said, "I am very confused by all this verboseness. Besides, I kinda like all of the dancing and swaying. It reminds me of the time I went to a bar where a cat was the bartender."

What happened? Well, everyone got tipsy commenting on this story game and came up with whatever tickled their fancy. Exactly as it should be. The story isn't over. Tomorrow morning everyone is going to wake up with a hangover. Even Sparky will have a sugar hangover. Another great ending.

Contributing Authors (in order of appearance):

Ettarose of Sanity On Edge
Bud of WTIT Tape Radio: The Blog
A pot... a pot, a thought and a smidgen of dirt
Belle of Interstitial Life
Raphnix of Psychic Articles By Raphnix

Barb of WillThink4Wine
Lisa of "...All Things Work for Good..."
Anne of Small Town Mommy
Julia of A Piece of My Mind
Karen of My Funny Dad, Harry

Rhonda of Led Beside Still Waters
Paul of Pauls Health Blog
Empress Bee (of the High Sea) of Muffin 53
Mike of Rambling Stuff
Ivana of From Ohio with Love

Abelle of Only in Silence...
Clara of Coming Back to Life!
Jen of Redhead Ranting
The Pixie of Skunkfeathers
Jack of One Man's View from Lansing, KS

Matt of Matt-Speak
Furkidsmom of Friends FurEver
Arv of ...on the Wall
Mimi of Mimi Writes...
Frank of Foxxfyrre's Honk'n'Holl'r

Shoshana of Just Say These Words
Shelly of Wine at Five?
Dawn of Twisted Sister
Lynda of The Loft of Love by Lynda
Speedy (Eric) of Speedcat Hollydale Page
Gracie of Echos of Grace

A great big THANK YOU to everyone that contributed to The Mysterious Bartender. You are all awesome!

Top 10 U.N. Slogans

Stolen from: Phils Phun

The Weekend

This is our 340 Sea Ray Sundancer. Our boating buddies took pictures of us last weekend as we cruised to Ebony Boat Club for our fantastic weekend of boating fellowship and lots of great food. I needed a picture of our boat for next years club roster as I'll be the commodore and it's customary to have your boat along with a picture of you and your spouse as part of the roster. The first one is the one we chose as it really captures the boat the best. You can click on any photograph to biggify.



On the bow starboard side you see our club flag with red, blue and yellow. On the bow port side you see my vice commodore flag. These flags are how we recognize other clubs and their ranks. When you cruise into another facility you fly your flags. Also if you look hard enough you can see me driving the boat. In the last picture you can see Mount Diablo. A very photographed and painted mountain.

The weekend was fun and everything went well, but we had some WINDY weather. Sunday evening through early morning Tuesday is was very windy. Winds at 30 MPH with gusts up to 40 MPH. If you are inside it's not too bad, but when you are on the water it's dicey. Good sleeping weather though.

Need A Smile? Part One

Hat tip: Colleen of Short Stories in the Making

Four Generations

On July 7th our family celebrated Sarah's (our granddaughter) 20th birthday. Her favorite food is shrimp and she always wants to go to Red Lobster. So Red Lobster it was. After we finished dinner hubby wanted a picture of the four generations in attendance. So here we are.

Left to right: Sarah (20), my son Richard (40), me (I'll be 60 in September) and baby Audi at the ripe old age of 7 months on July 27th. And yes I hogged the baby all evening long. That's what great grandmas do. She got about a million kisses all over that sweet little face. Life is good!

Kids on Medicine

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth."

"For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose."

"Blood flows down one leg and back the other."

"When you haven't enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

The Operation...

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Stolen from: Phils Phun

About Women

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
   
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a psychologist
16. a pest exterminator
17. a psychiatrist
18. a healer
19. a good listener
20. an organizer
21. a good father
22. very clean
23. sympathetic
    
24. athletic
25. warm
26. attentive
27. gallant
28. intelligent
29. funny
30. creative
31. tender
32. strong
33. understanding
34. tolerant
35. prudent
36. ambitious
37. capable
38. courageous
39. determined
    
40. true
41. dependable
42. passionate
43. compassionate
    

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

• give her compliments regularly
• love shopping
• be honest
• be very rich
• not stress her out
• not look at other girls
  

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

• give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
  
• give her lots of time, especially time for herself
• give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
  

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

Never to forget:

• birthdays
• anniversaries
• arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

Leave him alone!

Awww...Mondays #21

"AWWW MONDAYS" Participants

1. Joanne 2. DrillerAA09 3. Vicissitudes of Life 4. Grace 5. gpartha 6. baterya 7. Acai Ignite 8. Ev Nucci 9. Stacie 10. Anglia 11. anthonynorth 12. K

13. Diane 14. Sandy B 15. PinkLady 16. Dorothy L 17. Jeni 18. Finding Pam 19. barb 20. Empress Bee (of the High Sea) 21. Ivanhoe 22. Bingo 23. Reverse Cell Phone Lookup 24. RennyBA

25. Rajagopalan 26. Speedcat Hollydale 27. Mike Golch 28. The Frugal Kennedys 29. Blogger Rise 30. Blog E Billah 31. Trader Diary 32. Sugar Cribs 33. HiTechno Corner 34. Blogging Bill

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Wednesdays Question #11

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question:

What is the best movie, television show, or play you've ever seen?

Kids on the Bible, Part II

1. "The Seventh Commandment is, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'"


2. "Moses died before he ever reached Canada."


3. "Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."


4. "The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him."


5. "David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar."


6. "David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."


7. "Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."


8. "The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."


9. "The epistles were the wives of the apostles."


10. "St. Paul cavorted to Christianity."


11. "Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."


12. "In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony."

The Jogger

I love stealing jokes and Vodka Mom of I Need a Martini Mom wanted me to see a joke that Jeanne of The Raisin Chronicles posted on her blog titled Old Joke #3. Enjoy...

A guy is out jogging very early one morning when he realizes he has to take a dump. He looks around for a public building, or a gas station, but he’s in a residential neighborhood. He runs for a few more minutes, but the urge just grows stronger. Then he spots a thick cluster of bushes. He considers running on past, but the need is just too great. Stepping behind the shrubbery, he shucks down his shorts and squats.

As he finishes, but before he can pull up his running shorts, the worst happens. An old lady appears beside the bushes and stands there, staring at him without speaking.

Embarrassed, he says, “Can I help you, ma’am?”

The old lady smiles coyly.

“I’ve been a widow for many years. Would you mind,” she blushes, “if I just touch one of your testicles?”

The man is taken aback, but he’s not really in a position to refuse. “Okay.”

Reaching out, she gently cradles his left testicle between her fingers and thumb for a brief moment.

As he starts to pull up his shorts, he realizes she’s still staring fixedly at him.

“Would you mind,” she says, blushing even more deeply, “if I touched your other testicle?”

Reluctantly, he agrees and she softly squeezes his right testicle.

By now he’s starting to enjoy himself, so he’s not too upset when, after glancing down in embarrassment, she gazes shyly into his eyes and says, “Would you mind if I just touch both of them at the same time?”

“Sure,” he says. “Go ahead.”

The old lady takes his left testicle in her left hand and his right testicle in her right hand. Slamming them together with every word, she yells:

“DON’T…EVER…SHIT…IN…MY…YARD…AGAIN!”

Awww...Mondays #72

Most of you know that I didn't start this meme. Kimmy did of Pretty Amazing Grace. She started this meme in January 2009 and I've been participating since that time. Kimmy quit participating a very, very long time ago. What am I saying here? This is my last Awww...Monday.

Middle of the Road

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

Mandy's Diary

DEAR DIARY – DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one, – and I can’t wait!

DEAR DIARY – DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 4

Won $500.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship… I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice!

Stolen from: Steve of bethere2day

Kids on the Bible, Part I

1. "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off."


2. "Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."


3. "Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."


4. "Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears."


5. "Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."


6. "Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."


7. "Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients."


8. "The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert."


9. "Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments."


10. "The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."


11. "The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother."

Oral Sex

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND!

Hat tip: ♥Hubby♥

Awww...Mondays #85

Awww...Mondays Participants

1. Stevebethere 2. Barb 3. Anny 4. Freda Mans 5. Karen 6. Mountain Woman 7. Sugar 8. Babs

9. Rhonda 10. Sandee 11. Russ 12. Bird Poop 13. Mike Golch 14. Rajagopalan 15. Marg 16. Wendster

17. Traveling Bells 18. Lois Grebowski 19. Empress Bee 20. Dawn 21. Ann 22. Angel 23. Binky 24. Joyce Lansky

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Wednesday's Question #57

It's Wednesday so that means it's question time. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as everyone has different opinions on any given issue.

So here's this weeks question: What is your favorite type of books?

I love the mystery/crime novels the very best. I can't say that I have a favorite author, but I love James Patterson, Dean Koontz, Lisa Gardner, Johnathan Kellerman, John Sandford and Nora Roberts, and just for fun Janet Evanovich.

Jose & Carlos

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day. Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads: I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads: I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico.

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S.'

Hat tip: Joanne of Another Day in Paradise

VJ Day - 1945

VJ Day, Honolulu Hawaii, August 14, 1945 from Richard Sullivan on Vimeo.

Great video of a Spontaneous Victory Parade in Honolulu in1945.

Take a look at this video-absolutely fabulous! Notice the cars and jeeps, youth. The guys in khaki or gray shirts and black ties are Navy officers or chiefs. The rest are Army or Marine. How young they all were to do what they did.

This guy really captured a moment in history!

(You can listen to Jimmy Durante singing "I'll be Seeing You" in the background, too).

This is a super video of a time past - we need to remember and be THANKFUL.

Check out the color fidelity. It's not bad for 1945.

Nothing will ever compare with Kodachrome film.