More Bad Predictions

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With the Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"It will be years -- not in my time -- before a woman will become Prime Minister." -- Margaret Thatcher, 1974.

"I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone." -- Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968.

Intergalactic Travels

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Irritated at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he re-focused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories 'n' Ramblings

The Operation...

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Stolen from: Phils Phun

The Jogger

I love stealing jokes and Vodka Mom of I Need a Martini Mom wanted me to see a joke that Jeanne of The Raisin Chronicles posted on her blog titled Old Joke #3. Enjoy...

A guy is out jogging very early one morning when he realizes he has to take a dump. He looks around for a public building, or a gas station, but he’s in a residential neighborhood. He runs for a few more minutes, but the urge just grows stronger. Then he spots a thick cluster of bushes. He considers running on past, but the need is just too great. Stepping behind the shrubbery, he shucks down his shorts and squats.

As he finishes, but before he can pull up his running shorts, the worst happens. An old lady appears beside the bushes and stands there, staring at him without speaking.

Embarrassed, he says, “Can I help you, ma’am?”

The old lady smiles coyly.

“I’ve been a widow for many years. Would you mind,” she blushes, “if I just touch one of your testicles?”

The man is taken aback, but he’s not really in a position to refuse. “Okay.”

Reaching out, she gently cradles his left testicle between her fingers and thumb for a brief moment.

As he starts to pull up his shorts, he realizes she’s still staring fixedly at him.

“Would you mind,” she says, blushing even more deeply, “if I touched your other testicle?”

Reluctantly, he agrees and she softly squeezes his right testicle.

By now he’s starting to enjoy himself, so he’s not too upset when, after glancing down in embarrassment, she gazes shyly into his eyes and says, “Would you mind if I just touch both of them at the same time?”

“Sure,” he says. “Go ahead.”

The old lady takes his left testicle in her left hand and his right testicle in her right hand. Slamming them together with every word, she yells:

“DON’T…EVER…SHIT…IN…MY…YARD…AGAIN!”

Mandy's Diary

DEAR DIARY – DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter – The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one, – and I can’t wait!

DEAR DIARY – DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 4

Won $500.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship… I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY – DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice!

Stolen from: Steve of bethere2day

Jose & Carlos

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day. Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads: I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads: I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico.

Stolen from: Phil of Phils Phun

The Food Chain

In the dead of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. It was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular: "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water, thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore, thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, at which point I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."

You think this is enough activity for one bank of one lake? There is more.

A wee mouse down by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat luking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the bank of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear, and the mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly.

The bear grabs the fish.

The hunter shoots the bear.

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.

The cat jumps for the mouse.

The mouse ducks, and

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is probably in danger.

Stolen from: Hale McKay of It Occurred To Me

The Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. Amazingly, the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch...

Hat tip: Babs of Beetle's Memories & Ramblings

True Friends

Stolen from: Jack K. of One Man's View from Lansing, KS

A Lesson in Irony

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."

Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This concludes today's lesson.

Hat Tip: Phil of Phils Phun

History in the Making...

In a few short days, an African American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count or blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of it's forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place.when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character". There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address.

His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly. But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this.

His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, I thank the Lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

Who is this man, you ask...

Hap tip: My sister ♥Debbie♥

The Introvert

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?"

She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed.

The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments."

The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean $500?"

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

The Private Club

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?"

"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2013 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $90,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $950,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $920,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

The Schnauzer

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Hat tip: Gracie of Amazing Gracie

Scary Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"